I recently re-read my memoir, which was written over a decade ago, and realized that even though my body and mind have changed so much, the insights that rose up in the depths of despair and throughout my healing journey have never wavered. On some level, this information had always been available, and as I healed I simply embodied and lived these truths more often.
At the start of my healing journey, I was very skeptical and analytical. I rarely thought about spirituality and suspected that we were all just playing out the patterns in our DNA. I was not a spiritual seeker, and to this day I can count the number of spiritual books I've read on one hand. In order for me to recognize and accept spiritual help, it had to come to me directly and independently through palpable and observable experiences. Over the healing years, information often came through the responses of my body.
About four years into healing, I discovered that when I asked my body-mind a question and the answer was yes, my pelvic floor relaxed and my lower spine straightened; when the answer was no, my pelvic floor contracted quickly and forcefully. These responses were always obvious and consistent. Eventually my head began nodding yes or shaking no in response to my questions. After the yes-no response emerged spontaneously in this way, I learned that others have observed the subtle on/off response of the body as a way to tune in to subconscious information. For example, some therapists ask a question and then apply a force to test the strength of a specific muscle; a strong response is considered a yes answer, and a weak response is considered a no. In the CranioSacral Therapy approach, therapists monitor a subtle full-body rhythm (craniosacral rhythm). When the client is expressing something meaningful or when the work at the body level is significant, the rhythm often stops abruptly.
When spontaneous information began to come through, sometimes I would also ask for a specific movement of a part of my body to confirm that the information was valid. I would say something like, “If this is my highest truth, move the fourth finger on my right hand”. In response that part of my body would often move immediately without any conscious effort. In both of these ways, through novel movements and the yes/no response, I used my body to confirm that these intuitive insights were my highest truth.
Eventually, it dawned on me that I could write down my internal conversations as they were happening. So, I sat at the computer and questions and answers quickly flowed in a stream of consciousness way, and the whole time my head would spontaneously nod yes or shake no. When I looked at the text, I could see that even when they were surprising, the yes responses were always loving and empowering, and the no responses gave me insights into my thought patterns that were less inclusive and compassionate.
I started off with the question-answer format, and later I learned that I didn’t need to direct the conversation. I could just write in an open state of being, and then check my body responses for accuracy. And eventhough much of this information was related to my personal life, I could see that there were universal messages too. So I read through the text and asked what was meant to be shared, and my head clearly nodded yes when I came to specific passages.
When I wrote, "Sometimes I wonder if this is just my mind talking", the following response came through quickly and spontaneously:
It is your mind, but not just the workings of your analytical mind. It is the mind in the bigger sense, the whole of you that expands beyond the borders of your physical form and your human identity. Imagination, inspiration, and intuition are all different words for the connection with universal knowledge. Over the healing years, you have opened up your body-mind, and now you can tune in to Wisdom.